Oof! This is an uncomfortable entry.
I was quite sexually active a few months ago. If I am honest, I was very sexually active a few months ago. I eventually took some time to pause and reflect on my motives. I asked myself what was the motive for all this sometimes great and sometimes not so great sex I was having. You see, to reflect means that I need to face myself and be honest with myself.
I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with having sex and for that matter, having lots of sex. However, I knew in the back of my head that I was engaging in lots of sex to change the way I feel. I am hardwired for connection and had a practice of setting the intention with myself and God (Higher Power, whatever your call the big Alien in the sky) to have connection oriented sex, to share myself with my play partner, and to be all present with them during sex. I had not been engaging in the practice of setting such an intention for months.
I knew that I needed to face myself and what the insecurity was that I was having. I am a recovered addict in grateful active recovery. if I did not admit the truth to myself, I would be headed to a relapse. This is fatal.
This my truth. When I feel less than and not enough, I act out with risque sex.
January 2023, I was diagnosed with avascular necrosis. My hip bones are dying which causes chronic pain. Up until, I started physical therapy, there was days were I could not walk. I am a rock climber and I have not climbed in 6 months. I have surgery scheduled for next month in October. Without the the surgery, I will eventually lose the ability to walk. With the surgery, I will be able to walk, run, jump and climb again.
Increasingly, I was feeling less than a man, All of the sex I was having was a manifestation of this pain. I was proving to myself and to you that I can still have great sex and "give great sex" despite my condition. Despite my condition I am still a man.
You see, despite working so hard with my therapist over the years to move past the trauma of my life of being told a 3 years old that no one is going to love me fat or that no one is going to love me as a sissy, these messages still creep up. I decided to give myself grace and forgive myself. I am enough just as God made me. I am whole person no one completes me as my 12 Step Sponsor Sam reminds me. I am completely loved and completely lovable.
I am now taking a break from sex to work on myself again. I have decided to wait until I have had surgery and have physically rehabilitated, I will wait until I am walking and rock climbing again. For now, I am going to love myself and fall in love with myself all over again. For now I am going to date myself.
For now, I don't have to ho' no mo.'
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